The most obscene VIth form assembly ever

I was asked to give my first talk to the assembled sixth form today. I chose to elaborate on a theme I've already covered in "An Obscene Posting" and from the comments made. A little near the knuckle I thought!

Address given at the VIth form assembly at Eltham College on 15th March 2007

Cricket commentators
Don Mosey and Brian Johnston
are in the commentating box
for the BBC World Service
in a test match between
West Indies and England at the Oval.

Batsman Peter Willey is at the stumps,
bowler Michael Holding is at the crease.

As the On Air sign comes on,
Johnston begins his commentary:
We welcome World Service listeners to the Oval,
where the bowler's Holding,
the batsman's Willey.

[PAUSE]

Yes, there's always some laughter about that,
and I suspect that some of you who didn't laugh
are feeling uncomfortable
that one of your teachers
has just mentioned the word "willy"
in assembly.

But have you ever wondered
why we find words like "bum" or "willy" funny?

Still further,
our lexicon of rude words and phrases
is populated solely with
so-called unmentionable parts of the human body,
functions of the human body,
things that one human body
does to another human body,
and suggestions about
what one human body can do to itself.

Why is that?

We all have to use the bathroom,
be we a sixth former, the Queen,
or even Michael Jackson!

Why is the lavatory funny?

Our parents have all engaged
in a certain activity
which has resulted in us being here,
so why does that produce nervous giggles,
and even more horrible thoughts?

[PAUSE]

Well, using the bathroom is a fact of life
- the end process of a complicated
and indeed remarkable
chemical decomposition of food
and the rejection of that
which is unnecessary or harmful.

It's funny because it's unpleasant,
especially after some school dinners,
but it’s something we all have in common.

Sex is an action
which should take place
between married couples
in order to bring forth human life.

That's what it's for!

Sex is traditionally funny
because the Church gets
rather hot under the dog-collar about it
- in more ways than one.

Among others,
we have to thank St Augustine of Hippo for that.

St Augustine is a notorious womaniser
who famously prayed
"Lord make me chaste,
but not yet."

When the Lord eventually made him chaste,
he turned on sex with such a vengeance
that there is still an attitude (a minority)
in the Church today
which hold Augustine’s view
that sex is sinful
and to be ashamed of.

However, the truth is that
the Church properly believes that sex is far
from disgusting.

Indeed sex is held in such a high regard
that Christians believe that it belongs
to the sanctity
- and privacy -
of the marriage bed.

It is not to be shared with anyone else
other than the person to whom you are married.
The pendulum has swung a long way
from St Augustine,
and many people these days,
old and young alike,
tend to be praying
"Lord make me chaste,
and quite easily caught".

The media have blown sex out of proportion.

No longer is it that something people do,
it's something that everyone has to do
everywhere
at anytime
and in any place
as long as you are under 30.

At least that's what our television programmes,
papers and the cult of celebrity tell us.

If sex is so out in the open,
then why do we use sexually explicit language
to swear or curse at someone?

Why tell someone to F-off if,
in telling him so,
you are wishing him a pleasurable experience
with his lover?
Why tell someone to P-off if,
in telling him so, you are wishing him
that unique sense of relief
that comes from getting rid
of three cans of cola?

Does this really make sense to you?

[PAUSE]

If we use sex as the barrel
from which we draw our insults,
then doesn't this say something about
our respect, or lack of it,
for the way in which our species
regenerates itself.

We're not amoebas who go off
and quietly divide
in order to replenish our population.

We are beings who forge
complex and meaningful relationships
which colour our lives.

Our friends and our families are important to us,
but even more so the person
with whom we fall in love
to the extent that we wish to marry
and populate our lives with children.
How can that be a curse
if we find our love?

How can we look at the newborn baby
in its mother's arms and say to it
"your conception was disgusting"?

How can sex be this obscene?

Surely there are greater obscenities in life
than the toilet or the bedroom?

Isn't beating someone up in a pub an obscenity?

Isn't kicking a dog to death
more disgusting to us than bringing a baby
into the world?

Why isn't the greatest obscenity
of them all "I hate you?"

At least our biological waste products
have the potential
for creating and sustaining
the beauty of creation.

[PAUSE]

The human condition is wonderful.

Our bodies are the product
of complex and delicate
mechanical,
hydraulic,
biological
and chemical engineering.

How will you stop yourself
from treating your own humanity
and the humanity of others with anything
less than the greatest respect?

Aren’t you worth it?