Which Halo do you want?

Homily preached at Eltham College on 18th June based on St Matthew vi.19

It’s your best game of Halo ever.

You’ve destroyed
an entire battalion of Grunts
and their commanding Elites
through careful use of fragmentation grenades
and a Scorpion tank.

A few plasma grenades
have wiped out an attack
by The Flood.

You’ve retrieved the Index,
and set Pillar of Autumn
onto self-destruct
finally escaping
within the 15 minute countdown
before it destroys the Halo.

And then you’re done.

That’s it.

You’ve won.

You’ve beaten the computer.

You’re the champion,
the best,
the bees knees…

But what now?

Well, yes 343 Guilty Spark
does survive the attack,
but that just sets you up for Halo 2.

How are you going to keep hold
of this feeling of victory?

[PAUSE]

Computer games
have come a long way from Pong or Pac-Man,
where if you reached level 8
the thing would flip round
back to level 1 again.

If all you do is guide
a little yellow eating machine
around a maze for hours on end,
then what’s the point?

What’s the end result?


Whatever your victory may be,
there’s the fact that
at the end of the game,
you’ve got to switch the console off.

Your victory
as Master Chief Petty Officer John-117
over the Covenant
is obliterated in the flick of the switch
as if it never happened.

In the course of a second,
you’ve gone from the king of the world
to just you.

You have desire
to try and preserve that stupendous victory
on the screen for ever,
immortalised as a testament
for future generations
that you beat the Covenant.

Your family would object if you graffittied it
to the television screen.

But no.

It’s dinner time
and the Xbox must be switched off.

So what’s the point of reaching
for victories that disappear
at the flick of a switch?

[PAUSE]

What is it that truly lasts in this world?

Fame?

Fortune?

Well, how many of you have heard
of Larry, Curly and Moe?

Of Wilson, Kepple and Betty?

Of W.C. Fields and Mae West?

Of Lon Chaney Sr or Bela Lugosi?

Of Les Dawson or Dick Emery?

Of Peter Beardsley or Gareth Southgate?

What about Chantelle?

All famous in their time,
but now, even within a few decades
(or 5 minutes for Chantelle),
their memory is fading.


Rockerfeller and Howard Hughes
are no longer exactly household names.

Their fame has been replaced
by the likes of Roman Abramovich
and Bill Gates.

But who says that their fame
will last the test of time?

[PAUSE]

The human race is very good
at depressing itself with its own mortality.

Channel 4 rejoices
in its quest to make us miserable
by showing us in gory detail

images of Big Ben standing
corroded and stopped;

the Eiffel Tower,
rusted and overgrown with climbing plants,
collapsing into a pile of mangled metal

statues of famous people
broken and fallen


all human books,
records and computer discs
corrupted and rotting in a pile of mildew.


All human construction and achievement
seems to fade away.

Of course when the Sun dies,
it will be as if humanity never had existed.

Depressing, eh?

[PAUSE]

That’s how we can choose to look at our lives
– see it as a struggle to hold on to bits of life
that crumble and fall through our fingers
like the packet of biscuits
that someone has dropped several times,
run over with their trolley
and put back on
the supermarket shelf.

We can hoard up wealth,
or possessions,
or certificates,
but they aren’t going to last forever.


Wealth is always stolen,
certificates always get destroyed.

Achievements always get forgotten.

What will remain of you in a million years time?

[PAUSE]

Now that you are thoroughly miserable,
take a look at yourself.

Isn’t there something more to your self
beyond your ability to out-run,
or out-think every one?

Isn’t there something beyond
your ability to remember useless facts?

Isn’t there
something within you
that says, “yes, I am!”?
something that screams out against Time,
against change,
against decay?
something that objects to being forgotten?

It’s difficult to think of
our own existence
beyond our own lifetimes.

Some people believe
that we no longer exist after we are gone.



Others believe that we always exist,
that within you there is the flavour of eternity,
that you matter eternally.

Certainly, Christians fall into the latter category.

Jesus says:
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,
where moth and rust destroy,
and where thieves break in and steal.

Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven,
where moth and rust do not destroy,
and where thieves do not break in and steal.

Where your treasure is,
there your heart will be also.”

What He is saying to us is that
each human being has an existence and a worth
beyond the world where our achievements
can be switched off as easily as an Xbox.


We have to become aware
of those things that really matter
and that cannot be taken away from us
no matter
how poor, ill or miserable we are.

[PAUSE]

So what is the stuff that lasts for ever,
that doesn’t decay?

Love?

Generosity of spirit?

Kindness?

Won’t the actions
to which they are attached
still be forgotten?

The fact that you helped an old lady
across the road in 2007
is not going to be remembered in 2057,
but the effects of that kindness
may well linger on
- not through fame or honour.


Kindness,
like hatred,
grows and grows forever.

An act of charity may be
unnoticed in the ages to come,
but its worth to the future
is incalculable
and its place in the fabric of the universe
indestructible.

What are you storing up
for yourself?

Coping with cleverness

Homily preached at Eltham College on 9th May 2008 based on Ecclesiasticus xxxvii.21-30

What could possibly be worse
than getting
nought out of a hundred in a test?

There you are,
in your favourite lesson as your teacher
with all the venom of a king cobra
suffering from a liver problem
dishes out the test results.

Around you, your classmates groan,
“42 percent.”
“36 percent, my mum’ll kill me”
“27 percent, that’s not fair,
I worked really hard for that!”

Finally the fatal moment
as your test result is revealed.

Trembling slightly,
you brace yourself for the revelation.

It only takes a single fatal moment
before the grim reality hits you.

Sweating profusely, you groan audibly.

“100% Well done!”

[PAUSE]
Why should a 100% test result
produce such a reaction?

Well the answer’s obvious, isn’t it?

You got 100%
when everyone else struggled to get 50.

Worse than getting 0% in a test
is getting 100% a clear head and shoulders
above everyone else.

Now you have to hang your head in shame
as the word “boffin” is whispered
around the class.

You know that out on the field
your break-time is going to be turned
into a living hell
as you try to persuade your classmates
that you are one of them really,
and not the teacher’s pet.

It seems that you have a clear choice in life
—be clever or be popular.
Why does everyone hate clever people?

[PAUSE]

It’s true.

Look at how the clever people
are portrayed in films.

They’re either the mad professor
concocting a way to rule the world
using an army of killer underpants.

Or they are the reluctant ugly side-kick
with bad dress-sense,
thick glasses and bad teeth
helping out the hero and heroine
to solve a difficult problem that
they are just too popular to solve.

It’s the boffin who delivers
the solution to Spiderman
and immediately gets blown up just
after serving his purpose,
whilst Spiderman is hailed as a hero
and gets to snog Kirsten Dunst.

The boffin
never makes the end of the film,
never gets hailed as a hero
by the group of grateful villagers,
never gets the girl.

There’s The Big Bang Theory on Channel 4,
all about a group of men with more degrees
than the lads in Hollyoaks have girlfriends,
and fewer girlfriends
than the lads in Hollyoaks have degrees.
Most of you should know that this is called inverse proportion!

The number of girlfriends
is inversely proportional to the number
of brain-cells that you use!

This doesn’t answer the question:
why are brainy folk unpopular?

[PAUSE]

It’s fine to put up your hand
to answer a question in class.

You know the answer to a question,
and it gives you confidence that
you’re learning well.

However,
there is something vaguely disgusting
about the boy who,
upon hearing the question asked,
throws his arm up in the air
as if it has suddenly become
magnetically drawn
to the light bulb
and squeaks repeatedly
“me, me, me, ask me, sir”
like a newly emasculated parrot.

It’s often good to let this sort
hang like this for a while,
just on the off-chance that their arm comes off,
or they explode.


There’s also the suspicion about clever people.

After all, they use long words like “synecdoche”
and complicated rambling metaphors
that just pass over your head.

They make you feel small
for not knowing enough
about information that
you’re not interested in.

There’s that dreadful air of superiority as
if knowledge were the only thing that matters.

There’s something about a swot
that can make you feel small and uncomfortable.

They’re creepy.


Who in their right mind
would take pleasure in knowing that
the Earth is 150,000,000 kilometres
from the Sun?

Who cares that the word polygon
literally means many angles,
not many sides?
Who would want to know the difference
between a troll and an ogre?

It’s this obsession with pointless details
that make clever people irritating, isn’t it?

It’s best to avoid them as far as possible.

Let them alone with their equations,
and their sums and their 100%s in tests.


Wait!

Didn’t you just get 100% in a test
in your favourite subject?

You’re one of them aren’t you?

A swot!

[PAUSE]

It’s very clear that if you are at this school,
then you happen to have a great deal of potential.

You are clever,
whether you like it or not.

The issue is how you deal with that cleverness,
how you make the most of it.

You can indulge it by isolating yourself
with books and the internet
so that you become the insufferable class swot.

You can suppress it
so that you’ll have an easier time
with friends and “a life” but
you fail to do justice to your own ability
you fail to take pride in who you really are.


Or you can balance your life between learning.

The danger for the class swot
is that he becomes a show off,
who broadcasts his answers to the class
and unintentionally deprives people
of opportunities to show
how good they are at
solving a problem.

It’s the intellectual equivalence of becoming obese.

The danger for those
who want to be popular is that
they view learning as something
to run away from
and lose the opportunity
to become more skilful.

This is the intellectual equivalent of anorexia,
and it’s just as harmful.


The wise person realises
that cleverness is not something to be used
to bash people over the head
or force down their throats
but to contribute to society.
A wise person knows
when to shut up
so to let someone else have a go
at answering the difficult questions.

A wise person knows that
when someone gets 100% in a test
then it’s a sign that
they have the potential within them
to work hard, grow
and perhaps even
change the world for the better.

It isn’t the knowledge that’s important.

It’s what you do with it.

So how are you going to do justice
to your own intellectual brilliance
and allow others to do the same?

Is that a problem
you are clever enough to solve?

Identify yourself!

Homily preached at Eltham College on 26th February 2008.

What’s the difference
between a geek and a nerd?

It would be really interesting
to see the job-descriptions
that separate these two subcultures.

Is a nerd
a geek that specialises in computers,
or is a geek
a nerd which has a greater sphere
of expertise over and above
information technology?

And where does the boffin fit into all this?


It’s an important problem
– we teachers have to get
the terminology right.

After all we don’t want to call you
a dweeb, dork or galoot
if the cap really doesn’t fit.


What about Emos and Goths?

What’s the difference between them?

You can understand
the elderly teacher’s concern.

He thinks that an Emo
is an overexcited glove puppet
that molests people.

What separates a Goth from being an Emo?

[PAUSE]

The Goth image is reasonably distinctive.

There’s the dyed black hair,
white make-up and eyeliner,
the black clothes
together with a penchant
for Marilyn Manson,
Black Ice or the Cure!

It’s interesting that you can see
a horde of Goths wandering down the street,
all looking identical,
like a bunch of clinically depressed penguins
all speaking in the same monotone
– “I am an individual.”


How can you fit so closely
in a crowd and expect
to be called an individual?


Surely an individual
is one who stands out from a crowd,
like a Goth with
flowing blond curls,
rosy cheeks
and a toothpaste smile
like a reject from
“Any dream will do.”


“But,” you cry,
“Goths don’t have blond hair and smiles.

You might just as well
have a triangle with four vertices.

It’s impossible!”


So just how does a Goth
express his individuality?

[PAUSE]

To those of us who are not Goths,
it may come as a complete surprise
to know that every Goth matters.

They are individuals,
just as you are individuals.

They still have unique thoughts,
ideas, plans, joys and sorrows.

We cannot accuse Goths of being the same
any more than
we can describe Westlife songs
from being the same
despite the fact that they are all
instantly forgettable
so that they register
the impression that
they are all identical.


What makes Goths appear the same
is that they strive for a common identity.

Do you do the same?

[PAUSE]

It’s fair to say that it’s something we all do.

We seek out people
of like minds and similar dispositions.

Why? – because we are social animals.

We are designed to forge relationships,
to share common experiences
and ultimately to find company
in which we can feel at home.

Even if we’re not especially social,
we nonetheless have a need
for a close-knit group of friends
around us whom we can trust.

“No man is an island, entire of itself.”


It is said that our social groups define us,
but to what extent is it true?

Are you defined by your social group?

[PAUSE]

What does that really mean?

Well, you might be black.

But does that word “black” sum you up?

Of course it doesn’t!

Indeed, the word “black”
only becomes racist
if it’s used to somehow sum people up
-to deny them an identity.

That’s how insults work.

“Jamaican” might narrow the field a little further,
but “Jamaican” still doesn’t
sum you up
any more than English
Ghanean,
Burkinabe,
Zambian,
Or Ethiopian.

You’re more than that.

Can you,
with all your human complexity
be summed up
by a collection of adjectives?

Can even your name pick you out of a crowd?
Doubtful, especially if your name is John Smith.


The Queen certainly stands out from a crowd.

Why?

How can a little old lady stand out so far?

It’s because of the identity that we give her.

As monarch
she stands for Great Britain,
she gives a focus
to our national identity.

She’s not German as some people think.

She,
like her father
and grandfather
and great-grandfather,
was born in this country.


The whole British constitution
is inveigled with her standing
for the whole British Nation.
Her identity as monarch only exists
because we, as her subjects,
choose to recognise that identity.

In recognising her identity as Queen
do we recognise our identity of being British.

For Catholics,
there is the person of the Pope,
who is called the Vicar of Christ.

The word “vicar” literally means “stand-in.”

Catholics hold the Pope
to embody the identity
of Our Lord Himself
through a long line of successors
to the first Pope, St Peter.

Again, the idea that a man
has this identity hinges
on whether others accept this identity.


What about us?

We are not Royal Blood.


Nor are we clad, at the moment,
in the robes of cardinals
so we do not have these identities.

How, then, is who we are
truly defined?

[PAUSE]

Our identities as human beings
are largely defined by our interactions
with other people.

We learn more about our own identity
by being social animals.

If we want to be
decent,
kind,
generous and likeable people
then we have to work at being
decent,
kind,
generous and likeable people
through clear and visible acts
of decency,
kindness and generosity.


It is only through
loving our neighbours
that we can truly learn to love ourselves,
and you don’t have to be a Christian
to see that this is true.

[PAUSE]

To sum up a human being with
a mere collection of adjectives
is a true insult
and dehumanising.

There is always an extent
to which each human being has an identity
which is unknowable to everyone.


Christians would say
that is the identity with which God created us,
and the same identity
which Our Lord took paints
to identify Himself with us.

Who are you?

How will you come to know your
true identity better?

Away in an old orange crate found at the back of the cupboard

Homily preached at Eltham College on 10th and 11th December 2007.

What would you say was your most
embarrassing Christmas ever?

One of the greatest sources of seasonal embarrassmentof memories of injusticethat really curdles the memory when you tryand picture it,
the school nativity play!

Did you take part in one?

What role did you get?

[PAUSE]

According to Junior School custom
in allocating roles,
the most popular girl in the school
should be chosen to play Mary
and the boy least likely
to stick his finger up his nose
to play Joseph.


Then of course there are
the other roles to be fought for.

The Angel Gabriel will be given
to the one with the voice that can split granite

The other angels are going to be
those of you who have access to
a job lot of tinsel and wire coat hangers.

It’s no good telling mentioning
that there is no biblical record of angels
ever having wings,
you’ll just be ignored
and relegated to the cattle.


Then there are
the Three Kings/Wise Men/magi/whatever
from the East.



To be qualified for these roles,
you have to have parents willing
to sacrifice the best bedspread
to the ravages of glitter and glue.

Knowledge of the fact that, again,
nowhere in the Bible
does it ever mention three kings
means automatic disqualification
and a summary demotion
to second sheep on the right.

To be an innkeeper,
you have to be trustworthy enough
to say the line in the script and not say
“Yes, Mary and Joseph,
there’s plenty of room in here,”
thus giving the teachers a fit
trying to sort that one out.

And then there are other roles
– the ones which you’ve been hoping to avoid.

These days,
you’re not allowed to exclude any child
from being in the play.

Thus there are a plethora of
snowflakes, sheep, oxen and donkeys
consisting of those who aren’t allowed
for whatever reason to have a speaking part
– untrustworthy innkeepers
or biblically correct magi.

If you are one of these unfortunates,
then you are then forced to wear
some grotesque concoction of cereal box,
cotton wool and card,
which,
despite assurances that it is a sheep,
looks more like a disastrous attempt
to splice genetically Shaun the Sheep
and the Coco Pops Monkey.


There are behind-the-scenes folk as well:
the cereal box geneticists responsible
for the sheep-monkey hybrids,
the providers of tired old dressing gowns,
and the housekeeping team
who has to mop up afterwards
– not a pleasant job if the angels
get over-excited.

It’s a lot of work for everyone!
So why do it?

Why does an ever-decreasing number
of Primary and infant schools
subject themselves and their students
to such an ordeal?

[PAUSE]

Somehow the parents think that it’s wonderful!

Despite all the naffness,
there is something
that draws a parent
out of Christmas shopping
to see their child in a Nativity Play.

It’s a fact that all this dressing up
and acting actually makes a Christmas
for a parent whether or not
they actually believe in the story
that is being told by their children.

They see their children
going through the same traditions,
the same story,
the same dressing-gowns and tinsel
as they did when they were that age.

It may not mean much to you,
but to a parent,
it is a sign that their child is playing
an active role in making Christmas
a special time of year
not just for their family,
but to the community of the school.

However,
what happens to a child’s participation
in Christmas when it outgrows Nativity Plays?

How do you participate?

[PAUSE]

If you’re a chorister,
then your role is clear.

You are doomed to spend November
learning carol after carol
and tediously jolly bits of tinkly music
insipidly arranged by John Rutter
after a quick buck.



By December 26th,
Hark the Herald Angels Sing
makes you want tell those herald angels
to go away in no uncertain terms.

But, however many times you sing it,
there may be just one time
that you make someone’s Christmas.
You’ve been through Christmas
at least eleven times in your lives,
and there’s a chance that you may find it all
a bit run-of-the-mill.

When Christmas day arrives,
what more to it is there beyond
the wrapping paper,
the new Wii golf game, the latest gore-ridden murder on Eastenders
the over-eating and resultant indigestion,
and forgetting to listen to the Queen.

Isn’t it just another day of the year
albeit a day when it doesn’t actually snow?


Well, this surely depends on what you make of it.

Is Christmas a special time of year for you?

It is only a time different from
the other days that just blur into one big mass of
school books,
chapel addresses,
and tucked-in shirts
if we work to make it so!

This is why we have Advent to help us
prepare for Christmas.


If you’re a Christian,
then Advent offers you a time to reflect
on the meaning of the little baby
born in a manger who grows up
to save the world.

It offers you a chance to engage
with a God who not only lives
but seeks to live among us.


If you’re not a Christian,
then you have to find out the meaning
of Christmas for yourself.

It offers you the opportunity to go out
and give of your time
and abilities to others,
to make their Christmas more enjoyable.

It’s down to you, then,
to figure out the point of it all.


Either way,
you have a role to play
in making Christmas more special for yourself,
your family and your community
- preferably not in that order.


The question is: what is that role?

Well, only you can answer that one!

Up with the gauntlet!

So here it is, my somewhat inadequate ten minute defence of my faith. Next week speaks our resident atheist, and I'll try to blog something about that then.

Homily preached at Eltham college on 14th November 2007

How old were you
when you stopped believing in the tooth fairy?

What about Father Christmas?

Of course,
you realise how to prove that neither exist.

For the tooth fairy,
you just wrap up a lego brick in tissue,
and see how that is replaced at night
with a 50p piece.

It’s tried and tested!


To show that Father Christmas doesn’t exist
– sorry, he doesn’t except as an embellishment
of the character of St Nicholas of Myra
– just write two note to Santa.

In the first,
you are nice and polite
and ask for your Dr Who action figures
or new Bratz Skiing outfit
– this one you show to Mum and Dad.
In the other,
you call Santa a fat weirdie-beardie
who smells of dead reindeer
– this one you secretly post
to the North Pole.

You’ll know he doesn’t exist
if you still get presents this Christmas.

If he does, then you’ll have to be
very apologetic next year.

Are these really sufficient proofs of non-existence?

What about God?

Does He exist?

After all, you can’t see Him,
touch Him,
you can’t test for existence by sticking Him
in a test tube and holding Him
over a Bunsen burner.

If we cannot make
any observations about His existence,
then does that necessarily mean
He cannot possibly exist?

Well think about it!

Indeed, a thought is not material,
chemical,
biological,
atomic,
or a force.

There is much that is non-material and yet exists
- the number one,
for example.

We understand the number one is,
and yet it has no dimension.

No mass,
no height,
nothing measurable.

It cannot be tested,
touched tasted or smelt,
yet we know what it is.

It is just one.

The question “what is it made of?”
is utterly meaningless.

You can see one apple,
but if you take the apple away,
it’s just one.

So it is possible for things
to exist without having an observable presence.


It is the same with God.

His is an existence completely other than our own.

Like the number one,
to ask what He is made of is meaningless.

God is the Creator,
and by that we mean the being
who causes all other things to be.

He is the first cause
– how can He be made of anything
if there is nothing from which He can be made?

If He is the first being,
then He doesn’t change,
because there is no material for to change.


But matter changes.

Throw a lump of sodium hydroxide
into a vat of hydrochloric acid
and all you get,
by and large is salty water.

But how does the sodium hydroxide
know how to change into salty water?

How do we know that this always happens?

How do we know that one day,
your chemistry teacher is going to throw a lump
of sodium hydroxide
into hydrochloric acid and instead of salty water,
the result is a vat of Carlsberg?

After all we haven’t finished all our opportunities
for doing that experiment yet!


Mathematical and scientific theories
only describe what happens when
sodium hydroxide meets hydrochloric acid.

They have been honed by years and years of discovery
and improvement.

We now have models which can make
some very accurate predictions,
but there are always some gaps,
and the models don’t explain
how the chemicals know how to behave.

How does sodium hydroxide know that there are rules to obey
so that it makes brine rather than
a refreshing pint of ale?


The universe does seem to conform to rules,
and if modern cosmology is correct,
then these rules appear to be being made up
as the universe continues to be.

But where do these rules come from.

If God exists as the first cause,
then He made up the rules.

Perhaps these are the only rules
that would make this universe exist?

But why does this have to be the case?
– after all these are the only rules we know.

How can we even imagine things being different?

When theists say God created the Universe,
we don’t necessarily mean that He is like
some cosmic Design and Technology teacher
gleefully carving human beings
out of a lump of 2 x 4.

It’s a horrible thought
– what would the universe be like
if a certain Design and Technology teacher
created the Universe?

It wouldn’t be just the one Big Bang, would it?

When we say “God created…”,
we mean that He caused it to be.

It’s why many scientists can believe in God
and the Big Bang and Evolution.

If God created the Rules,
then He created our existence
through Evolution,
through a Big Bang,
if indeed that’s how things did begin!




Some Scientists in an attempt to get rid of God,
say that the universe was created when
two 10 dimensional membranes collided and formed this universe.

A necessary result of this collision
is the existence of parallel universes.

The trouble is,
because we cannot break out of our Universe,
the existence of parallel universes is just
as unprovable as the existence of God.

Superstring theorists have merely replaced
one debatable being with another,
and even then this doesn’t answer the question:
where did the parallel universes come from
in the first place
and what caused them to collide?


The fact that God has created the rules
shows that He has a will and an intention
for the existence of the Universe
- how He wants it to be.



However scientific we want to be,
because we have no way of
stepping outside the universe,
or of being present at the Big Bang
we have no scientific means
of proving or disproving
the existence of God.

Thus we have no way of knowing that God exists,
we can only believe.


If Science is not the tool to use
to talk about the existence of God,
then what about ethics?

If God exists and is good, why has He created evil?

Why create a world in which we have so much,
and yet others die a pitiful death
from starvation and disease,
uncared for,
unloved?

Why create a world
where your own followers and people
who believe in you tear each other
to pieces in ever more ingenious and pathetic ways?


This has more to do with free-will
– our ability to choose
to believe in God
or not to believe in Him,
the ability to make our own decision
for ourselves without being forced
to do something.


If God doesn’t exist,
then surely we have no free-will
and are merely clusters of atoms
obeying arcane laws of the universe.

In which case what meaning does life really have?

What hope for justice is there
for the Sudanese mother who loses her baby
in a military attack?

If God exists,
and, as Christians believe,
seeks to give justice to the oppressed
in a new life if not this one,
then doesn’t that offer us some hope
for our own existence?

No, it gives us no answers now,
and to others belief in God
seems like wishful-thinking
but then the existence of God
is not something that we should expect
to give easy answers
to the big questions of life.

God is absolutely unlike any other person
that we experience.

We still have to think,
argue, and wrestle with things
that we cannot understand
in the hope that our attempts
lead us perhaps a little closer to the Truth.


But what is the Truth of the matter?

Can you be so sure?

What is this thing called wuv?

Homily preached at Eltham College on Wednesday 10th October 2007.

Pass the sick-bag!

That’s the reaction of boys aged between 10 and 13 to the sight of the modern-day Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, Anthony and Cleopatra, or Katie Price and Peter Andre engaging in the contest of “who can reach the other’s uvula first.”

Of course a courting couple, to use your grandmother’s phrase, would call this activity kissing and that their reason for exchanging several pints of saliva is that they are in “in love.”

What does “love” mean for you?

Does it make your stomach turn?

Do you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed?

[PAUSE]

All too often our view of love is obscured by clichés and commercialisation.

St Valentine’s Day usually sees the lovesick swain spending thousands of pounds on objects coloured pink to persuade the object of his desire to engage in a mutual massage of molars.

Shops are filled with balloons and flowers and chocolates and teddy-bears wearing T-shirts which say that most tiresome, vapid and odious of phrases “I wuv you.”

It is sickening, but why?

[PAUSE]
Think about it!

It is common practice among many animals for the male of the species to find some trinket, a shiny stone, a collection of the right sort of twigs, or a mouthful of dead caterpillars.

In the eyes of the female, the male who can provide the best material for bringing up a family is going to be the better father.

So, human males are merely following their biological instincts in buying hideously expensive and ludicrously useless trinkets for the women.

Likewise it is the same biological instincts which are responsible for the plumage parade of the peacock and scrapping of tom cats in the alley at night that are also responsible for the lad wearing his hair long and dying a strip of it green and using up half of the British supply of Davidoff all for a night out with a buxom blonde from Bromley.

But is it love?

[PAUSE]

Animals do not have a concept of love.

They thrive merely on biological instinct.

They pair up in order to produce babies, who grow up in order to pair up and produce babies who grow up in order to pair up and produce babies et c.

That is all.

Human beings wonder what all this is for.

What is the point of having children if they are just going to have children who are just going to have children and so on?

To what end?

Human beings see very clearly the concept of love as separating us from basic biological machines.

But why is it that we feel revolted by outward expressions of love?

Many of us who see the stock on sale around Valentine’s Day feel a sense of loathing because all these items are so superficial – they don’t really mean what they are saying.

The “I wuv you” teddy bear makes us uncomfortable because it conveys a message about something which love isn’t.

Indeed, it isn’t talking about love at all, but this tedious and meaningless quantity called “wuv”.

What is this thing called “wuv”?

[PAUSE]

For many of us, the idea of love makes us feel uncomfortable because it seems to involve a loss of reason, or control.

The rather soppy notion of love in our Jeremy Kyle culture forgets the mathematician Pascal's famous saying, "The heart has reasons of which reason knows nothing."

Love is something that is intensely personal, that invades our innermost beings – our thoughts, feelings, opinions and experiences.

It is dealing with this invasion of our inner selves that takes effort.

We become embarrassed through sheer fear that we are going to forget ourselves and make a fool of ourselves in front of our mates.

But where would we be without love?

[PAUSE]

Look at your life and imagine.

What if when you go home tonight and find that there is no love in your family?

No warmth towards you, no kind words of greeting, just coldness, indifference, uncaring - there are folk who do come home to this.

That raises a different kind of discomfort – a bleakness and a fear.

No matter how embarrassed we are at the idea of love, we realise that nonetheless we need it.

St Paul tells us the attributes of proper love:

Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances.

Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth.

It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

Love never comes to an end.

[PAUSE]

So if ever you are patient with a friend, or make allowances for someone, then you are showing love.

That pain you get when you miss someone who has moved away or died is love.

That need to help someone out just because they are in difficulty is love, whether you recognise it or not.

This might not be something you’d like to think of.

You’d still feel mighty awkward if your friend sat next to you suddenly turned to you and said “I love you.”

Most of us would run a mile, or at very least start edging away very slowly.

But what we should be edging away from is this idea of love as being a slushy, sentimental, vacuous, vomit-inducing and at times downright rude emotion.

Instead we should see love in the life of Mother Theresa of Calcutta who devoted her life to the poor of India.

We should see love in the lives of Edith Cavell and Raoul Wollenberg who sought to save lives rather than sit back and just let them be destroyed and so paid with it with their own lives.

And indeed for those of us who are Christians, we cannot fail to see anything but true love in the self-sacrifice of Christ upon the Cross.

There is nothing vacuous or artificial about the love that resides in these folk.

Whom do you really love?

Can you honestly describe that love as artificial?

Critical thinking!

Homily preached at Eltham College on Monday 24th September 2007

Nigel gets out of the shower,
puts on his new CK boxers,
socks, best jeans
and new silk shirt.

He decides to wear
his shirt half open
to expose the new gold chain
around his neck.

Why?

For today Nigel
is auditioning for X-Factor!

For good measure,
he empties three-quarters of a can of Lynx
all over himself,
so that Dannii Minogue
will pay him a bit more attention
and maybe give him
her phone number.

Four hours of queuing later,
Nigel finds himself
in front of Simon Cowell,
Sharon Osborne,
Dannii Minogue
and Louis Walsh.

“What are you going
to sing for us tonight, Nigel?”

“I believe in a thing called love, by the Darkness”
says Nigel knowing
that he’s going to knock the judge’s socks off
in a rendition that will make
Justin Hawkins sound
like a bag of nutty slack.

And so he begins.

The effect on the judges is electric.

Both Louis and Simon sit back in their chairs,
eyes and mouths wide open
in obvious awe at Nigel’s brilliant voice.

Sharon’s up and screaming
at him like a groupie
and the lovely Dannii,
object of Nigel’s affections,
is sitting in her chair gasping
for breath and fanning her face
with her papers.

With a flourish, Nigel finishes the song.

“Well, what do you think?”
he asks,
thinking “aha, it’s in the bag!”

Simon is the first to recover his composure.

“I’ve heard nothing like that ever in my life.”

Nigel smiles but Simon continues,
“and I hope I’ll never hear anything
like that again.

This is a singing contest,
and you cannot sing.”

“Whaddya mean?”
asks a visibly shocked Nigel,
“Sharon loved it?”

“No dear, I was standing up
and waving to get you to stop.

My ears are ringing.”

Nigel looks to Dannii, his last hope.

“No!” says Dannii,
“I’m suffocating from
an overpowering smell of Lynx.”

“But this isn’t fair,” says Nigel
his temper rising,
“I come in here and do my best
and you have the cheek to tell me
that I cannot sing!

I used to think you were good people,
that you used to be able to spot talent,
when clearly you can’t spot talent
when it’s standing right in front of you.”

“Nigel,” says Simon,
“I’ve heard many singers,
and have worked with
many professional musicians.

I am qualified to say that you can’t sing.”

Nigel storms out in a huff
leaving a cloud of indignantly smelling Lynx
wafting behind him.

[PAUSE]

A few weeks later, Nigel sits down
to watch his audition on telly.



He sees himself,
a fat middle-aged man
prancing about with his shirt unbuttoned
and his beer-gut sticking out,
screeching like a cat
who’s just fallen into a pond
of piranha
or a countertenor with cystitis!

What do you imagine Nigel’s reaction is to the truth?

Will he deny it, or will it hurt him deeply?

What do you think is the real source
of Nigel’s embarrassment?

[PAUSE]

We’re all talented at something
- Football,
swimming,
singing,
building,
playing the organ,
drawing,
or running a school.



Some of us have other talents
that aren’t immediately recognisable
but which mean a lot to those around us
– the ability to listen
or to make peace in an argument,
the ability to introduce people
to others
or simply to be a good friend.

Each one of us has something
to give to the world.

The difficulty is how far
can we reasonably expect to take it?

Perhaps you can sing.

Not like Nigel who couldn’t hit a note
if it were stapled to a 10 foot-wide punchbag,
but really sing.

How far do you want to take your singing ability?

In order to find out,
you have to assess how good you are
and how much it will cost you
to improve your voice.



If you’re good at soccer
and you want to play for Man United,
is this just a pipe dream
or do you know what you have to do
in order for Sir Alex Fergusson
to say “Yes!”?

It does mean taking a risk,
a risk of embarrassment or rejection,
the possibility that our attempt
will leave us feeling smaller
than a mouse’s iPod.

There’s no way of knowing
what we’re capable of until we try.

Nigel thinks he can sing
but until he tried he wouldn’t
have known for sure.

However, it’s important
to receive any criticism
we get with honesty,
even if that criticism appears to be unfair,
and be fair, Simon Cowell
does ham up his criticism for the telly.

But Nigel refuses to accept the truth
from experienced music producers.

If he finally realises that
his singing upsets the dogs half a mile away
then he may find a way
to overcome the problem.

Perhaps his voice
isn’t suited to The Darkness,
perhaps he might make
another version of The Streets.

He will only improve
if he takes a risk and receives
his criticism with honesty.

The same goes with anyone of us
– if you want to find out
whether you’re going to be good at something,
then take a risk,
but be honest about the outcome.

Christians believe that any little talent
has the possibility of changing the world,
and if we exercise our talents for God,
then we change the world for the better.

Whether you are a Christian or not,
you will be surprised at just how talented
you really are
if you are just willing to risk
a trial and learn from your critics.

How well can you take criticism?

Is this something you need to improve upon?

What if...?

Homily preached at Eltham College on 3rd July 2007

You are standing at the desk
of Deal or No Deal.

You've managed
to whittle the number of boxes down to two.

In one lies 1p,
in the other a quarter of a million.

The banker offers you £50,000,
and then Noel Edmonds asks you the question
- Deal or No Deal?

So what do you do?

Take £50,000
and throw away the possibility
that you could have won five times that amount,
or do you reject that amount of money
and risk going home with only 1p?

What's your decision?

[PAUSE]


Decision making affects us all.

Would you rather have
a slice of chocolate cake
or a slice of lemon meringue pie?

A glass of cola or lemonade?

Would you rather go out on a date with
Keira Knightley or Jennifer Lopez?

Sorry girls – Dougie or Harry from McFly?

For the most part,
our decisions are either easy to make
or they aren’t devastatingly important.

It’s when the decisions
are potentially life changing that we start to worry.

[PAUSE]

The problem with big decisions
is that we think to ourselves
“what happens if I make the wrong decision?”
and here begins the dreadful practice
of what-iffing.

“What if I’m choosing the wrong university?”

“What if I find that I’m studying
the wrong subject?”

Of course, it’s a good idea
to get as much information as possible
to satisfy our doubts
in order to make a balanced decision.

But the what-ifs can get sillier.

“What if I don’t make any friends?”

“What if the drinking water tastes funny?”

“What if the room faces west?”

“What if I can’t get the Sci-Fi channel?”

University admissions teams
have heard all these including
“What if the Students’ Union building
runs out of beer?”

Actually,
as important as these questions are at the time,
they are largely irrelevant.

We are only asking them
because we are actually scared rigid
that we are leaving school for a new place
– a new phase in our lives.


This is a decision that
is approaching some of you
faster than others.

It is a decision
that you 11 year-olds have already had to face,
but you did not face it alone,
because you had your parents to help you
And they made the choice with you.

By the time you’re in the sixth form,
your parents can only advise,
it is only you who will have
to make the choice
and that is scary.

That’s when the what-ifs come in.

[PAUSE]

The job of the what-if is
to find an excuse not to change,
not to make that life-altering decision.

A what-if sneaks into your mind
like your little brother sneaks into your room
looking for something to pilfer
– your PS2 game,
your iPod
or your something
potentially embarrassing hidden under the mattress.

A what-if hunts around
looking for your insecurity
and when it finds it,
it plays on it undermining your confidence,
building your fears.

The end result is that
making that decision
becomes a source of anxiety and fear.

It is why some of us cannot face making that decision.

What can you do?

[PAUSE]

There is only one question
you have to answer with any decision
you have to make.

“Will I cope if it all goes Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston”

"Will I cope if it all goes wrong?"

The answer is yes. Always, yes.

If you make the wrong decision in life then,
admittedly, life will become uncomfortable
but you will be able to cope.

You will not face the consequences alone
—unless you choose to do so.
Christians look at the Saints
for their examples of how to live,
and it’s amazing just how many fail.

In fact all of them fail at one point or another.

St Peter denies that he ever knew the Lord
-wrong decision!

St Thomas doubts in the Resurrection
-wrong decision!

St Paul starts off
by making life unpleasant for Christians.
-wrong decision!


But their failure is only part
of their route through life,
and at the end of their lives
– and these three gentlemen
all meet violent ends –
they still shine for us today
from their place in Heaven,
just as God promised them.

We all make wrong choices.

We all embark on a project that is doomed to failure.

But that is life, an important part of life,
a beneficial and fruitful part of life.

Indeed failure is just as much
an achievement as success.

If you work hard and succeed,
then you achieve your goals
and get that high feeling of achievement.

However, if you work hard and you fail
then it is disappointing,
but there is much that you will achieve
through all that hard work.

The benefits of success are immediate;
the benefits of failure can only be seen after a while, but there are still benefits.

[PAUSE]

No-one likes to fail,
but we cannot let the fear of failure ruin our life
by preventing us from making
a life-changing decision.

In the end, it is all a question of Faith.

It is all a question of belief that somehow,
though life may get difficult or painful,
though the night be dark
and we be far from home,

we will be sustained and helped
and grow from our experiences
and find a greater,
more lasting happiness.

Christians believe that
this is one of the benefits
of having Faith in God.

What is the decision that you fear making most?

What will you do to overcome that fear?

It's a mystery...

Homily preached at Eltham College on Corpus Christi 7th June 2006.

A man walks into a Church
and goes into the Confessional.

"Father," he says,
"this is my first confession,
and I have a terrible sin to confess."

"Don't worry, my son,"
says the priest,
"I am duty bound not to reveal
anything said in this confessional."

"Are you sure, Father?

It's a terrible sin that I've committed,
and I'm so ashamed."

"Of course I'm sure, my son.

I cannot utter it to anyone at all,
even you after you leave."

"Then I can confess?

Oh, but it's a terrible sin."

"Yes my Son.

It'll remain between you,
me and God, I promise.

Now tell me all about it."

So the man confesses his sin to the priest.

[PAUSE]

And the priest?

Well he's a man of his word....

[PAUSE]

It's irritating when
our curiosity is not satisfied
- when we run up against something
that we’d like to know
but can’t find the answer.

It causes us frustration.

It's the same feeling
we get when we're trying to fill in
the Times Crossword which,
judging by the complexity of the clues,
seems to have been compiled
by someone who's
had fifty-seven Red Bull's and has been picking the clues
from the Oxford English
dictionary at
random with a pin.

Here at school,
there are many mysteries
that we face as both students and staff.

Why is it that the interactive whiteboard
always fails when the teacher wants
to use a PowerPoint Presentation?

Why do we have to learn
to solve simultaneous equations?

Why is it that the French
can't pronounce the last letters
of any of their words?

[PAUSE]

Life is full of mysteries,
some which can be explained.

Why does toast always land butter-side down?

Well it's because of the relative sizes of chairs,
tables and toast which allow only
time for a half spin of toast
before it hits the ground?

Why are ghosts always grey shadows?

Well, a scientist in Coventry
proved that low frequency vibrations
affect the eyes and brain
to produce sensations in
the peripheral vision
making grey shapes
in the corner of the eye.

How can we find out how old Sir Patrick Moore is?

Well, there's always radio-carbon dating.

[PAUSE]

On a more serious note,
Science and Religion always appear
to be at loggerheads when it comes
to explaining mysteries:
Evolution versus Creationism,
Life after death –
heaven
or nothing at all?

It’s important to realise that
despite explanations,
the issues of the Beginning of the Universe,
the Dawn of Man,
the Meaning of Life
and Life after Death
can only be nothing more
than theories.

No-one was about
at the Beginning of the Universe
to ask God just how He was going to create it.

Three million years ago,
there was no intrepid journalist
scouring the savannah planes with a microphone
grilling gorillas in the hope that
one would say
“well, actually
I’m evolving into
a human being.”

Science deals with observables,
hypotheses that we can test by experimenting.

Religion deals with unobservables,
things that we cannot even begin
to test empirically- by experiment.

How do you test for Life after Death?

Use an unusually long pair of tweezers
to extract people from Purgatory and ask them?

[PAUSE]

The Christian Faith challenges us
to accept that there will always be things
that we cannot adequately explain.

It challenges us
to live without knowing all the answers.

We have no scientific proof of the existence of God –
we never will have
because we can't stick God into a centrifuge.

We cannot understand the Holy Trinity
because there is nothing like the Holy Trinity
within range of our chemistry set.

We have to live with these mysteries by Faith.
Interestingly,
there is no scientific proof
for the non-existence of God –
nor will there be.

Atheism is just as much a matter of faith
as Theism.

So if there will always be
things we don’t know,
what’s the point of finding anything out?

What’s the point of school
if at the end of it we find ourselves
with more questions than answers?

[PAUSE]

Education exists so that
we can handle mystery
in a responsible and respectful manner.

We can only find out
what we don’t know by looking at
what we do know.

We can only affirm
what we believe by testing
it honestly and rigorously
in the world around us.
In education,
we cannot just say “I don’t know” and leave it there.


We have to say
“well, what do I know?”
and go from there.

That’s a good exam tip, by the way.

The major causes of
religious intolerance occur between folk
who cannot handle mystery in a responsible way.

It’s one thing to believe that you’re right –
it’s fine to believe that you are right –
so long as you are honest
about your reasons for believing
what you do,
and are also honest
about what you don’t know.

You have to be responsible in treating those
who don’t share your beliefs
with the dignity that any human being deserves
by virtue of being a human being.

You can only really find out what you do
and don’t know
by talking to people.


An honest debate is good –
debate is necessary! –
even if it does get heated,
as long as, after the debate,
both sides can shake hands and say words of kindness
and appreciation to the other.

What is the greatest mystery in your life?

What are you doing to get to the bottom of it?

Learning for life

Homily preached at Eltham College on 23rd May 2007.

It’s amazing.

By the time you’re ten,
you’ve learned to walk,
talk and communicate,
and deal with a complexity
of emotions,
intellectual demands
and ways of coping
with grown ups.

Ten years
to master an astonishing array of activities
of enormous complexity and intricacy
is an utterly remarkable achievement.

Science has not caught up
with the basic things that a human being can do.

Where is the computer
that can walk
and talk
and think for itself
and engage with human beings
in a meaningful manner?

The answer is not George Bush:
I did say “able to think”.


The human capacity to learn
is a created miracle.

But where does all this learning start?

How does a human being learn?

[PAUSE]

A new-born baby learns who it is
by watching and listening.

In the first year of its life,
when it isn’t eating,
sleeping,
or producing smells that could strip
an Indian restaurant
of its flock wallpaper,
a baby is accumulating,
processing
and utilising a vast quantity of information
from what it sees in the world around,
and it doesn’t stop!

Even as we grow
from being a baby to the people we are now,
we are adapting ourselves
evolving
according to what we see
in the world around us.

Every experience
imprints itself on our minds
and we are changed
according to how we react
to that experience.

We learn to use a lathe
because we see how a skilled professional uses it.

We learn to solve a quadratic equation,
because we see how our maths teacher
solves a quadratic equation.

We learn by what we see happening around us,
and we are changed
by how we perceive them.

“We evolve into the images
that we have inside our head.

We become what we see.”

[Jerry Mander as quoted by Henri Nouwen]

Unfortunately,
most of what we see is television
or lies on the other side
of a computer monitor.

[PAUSE]

We have a brain with
100 thousand million neurons,
which is capable of producing
internal thought pathways
which number 10
to the power of 2.5 billion.

So what is the raw material for its learning?

What is it that is shaping us
as we journey through life?

Baywatch?

Grand Theft Auto?

Pop Idol?

The various and vapid spin-offs
from Big Brother?

Do we honestly expect to learn
what it means to be a human being
through what we watch on television?

It is truly depressing
the number of people
that believe that Coronation Street is real.

What do we hope to learn from soaps?

Perhaps they do provide some useful tips
for the correct way to start a fight in a pub,

or to commit perjury in the hope
of some carnal reciprocation

or deal with that awkward social situation
when your mother’s cousin announces
that he’s been having an affair
with your best friend’s aunt
but that he’s discovered he’s gay
and now wants to get friendly
with the family vet.

[PAUSE]

The only way we learn to live is
by living a real life.

The only way we can become human
is to make those images in our head
as close to the truth as is possible.


[PAUSE]
Some of us have friends on the internet.

We email,
we interact,
we “talk”,
we share information
–perhaps too much information.

But it is still only a half-world.

We miss information
in the way a person communicates
because we fail to hear
the subtle changes of pitch in the voice,
see the slightly worried look
on the face of a friend.
If we live our lives on email,
then we cannot get any more
than a coarse understanding of the people
our friends are.

There isn’t an emoticon
that can adequately express
“I’m glad to hear from you
but I’m slightly annoyed because
the cat has just coughed up a fir-ball
on the rug behind me.”

[PAUSE]

This all sounds harmless.

But...

Consider.

There are many young men
who see nothing but violence
and become both victim
and perpetrator of violent crime.

And this is in London.

They only learn from what they see.

What they see is a disregard for life.

What they see are
ways of getting what they want,
healing a wounded pride
even having fun
by violence.

Their own way is all they seeand getting it at all costs.

The result is a catalogue of names
of lives needlessly snuffed out:

Kodjo Yenga,
Kamilah Peniston,
Adam Regis,
Stephen Lawrence
… the list goes on.


The only hope that they have
is for someone to show them
a different
a better way of living.


They need to see
how respect for other people,
support from other people,
generosity from other people,
actually work.

They need to see this attitude in action
not taught to them in theory.

Who can show them?

[PAUSE]

“We evolve into the images
that we have inside our head.

We become what we see.”

Who are you evolving into?

The most obscene VIth form assembly ever

I was asked to give my first talk to the assembled sixth form today. I chose to elaborate on a theme I've already covered in "An Obscene Posting" and from the comments made. A little near the knuckle I thought!

Address given at the VIth form assembly at Eltham College on 15th March 2007

Cricket commentators
Don Mosey and Brian Johnston
are in the commentating box
for the BBC World Service
in a test match between
West Indies and England at the Oval.

Batsman Peter Willey is at the stumps,
bowler Michael Holding is at the crease.

As the On Air sign comes on,
Johnston begins his commentary:
We welcome World Service listeners to the Oval,
where the bowler's Holding,
the batsman's Willey.

[PAUSE]

Yes, there's always some laughter about that,
and I suspect that some of you who didn't laugh
are feeling uncomfortable
that one of your teachers
has just mentioned the word "willy"
in assembly.

But have you ever wondered
why we find words like "bum" or "willy" funny?

Still further,
our lexicon of rude words and phrases
is populated solely with
so-called unmentionable parts of the human body,
functions of the human body,
things that one human body
does to another human body,
and suggestions about
what one human body can do to itself.

Why is that?

We all have to use the bathroom,
be we a sixth former, the Queen,
or even Michael Jackson!

Why is the lavatory funny?

Our parents have all engaged
in a certain activity
which has resulted in us being here,
so why does that produce nervous giggles,
and even more horrible thoughts?

[PAUSE]

Well, using the bathroom is a fact of life
- the end process of a complicated
and indeed remarkable
chemical decomposition of food
and the rejection of that
which is unnecessary or harmful.

It's funny because it's unpleasant,
especially after some school dinners,
but it’s something we all have in common.

Sex is an action
which should take place
between married couples
in order to bring forth human life.

That's what it's for!

Sex is traditionally funny
because the Church gets
rather hot under the dog-collar about it
- in more ways than one.

Among others,
we have to thank St Augustine of Hippo for that.

St Augustine is a notorious womaniser
who famously prayed
"Lord make me chaste,
but not yet."

When the Lord eventually made him chaste,
he turned on sex with such a vengeance
that there is still an attitude (a minority)
in the Church today
which hold Augustine’s view
that sex is sinful
and to be ashamed of.

However, the truth is that
the Church properly believes that sex is far
from disgusting.

Indeed sex is held in such a high regard
that Christians believe that it belongs
to the sanctity
- and privacy -
of the marriage bed.

It is not to be shared with anyone else
other than the person to whom you are married.
The pendulum has swung a long way
from St Augustine,
and many people these days,
old and young alike,
tend to be praying
"Lord make me chaste,
and quite easily caught".

The media have blown sex out of proportion.

No longer is it that something people do,
it's something that everyone has to do
everywhere
at anytime
and in any place
as long as you are under 30.

At least that's what our television programmes,
papers and the cult of celebrity tell us.

If sex is so out in the open,
then why do we use sexually explicit language
to swear or curse at someone?

Why tell someone to F-off if,
in telling him so,
you are wishing him a pleasurable experience
with his lover?
Why tell someone to P-off if,
in telling him so, you are wishing him
that unique sense of relief
that comes from getting rid
of three cans of cola?

Does this really make sense to you?

[PAUSE]

If we use sex as the barrel
from which we draw our insults,
then doesn't this say something about
our respect, or lack of it,
for the way in which our species
regenerates itself.

We're not amoebas who go off
and quietly divide
in order to replenish our population.

We are beings who forge
complex and meaningful relationships
which colour our lives.

Our friends and our families are important to us,
but even more so the person
with whom we fall in love
to the extent that we wish to marry
and populate our lives with children.
How can that be a curse
if we find our love?

How can we look at the newborn baby
in its mother's arms and say to it
"your conception was disgusting"?

How can sex be this obscene?

Surely there are greater obscenities in life
than the toilet or the bedroom?

Isn't beating someone up in a pub an obscenity?

Isn't kicking a dog to death
more disgusting to us than bringing a baby
into the world?

Why isn't the greatest obscenity
of them all "I hate you?"

At least our biological waste products
have the potential
for creating and sustaining
the beauty of creation.

[PAUSE]

The human condition is wonderful.

Our bodies are the product
of complex and delicate
mechanical,
hydraulic,
biological
and chemical engineering.

How will you stop yourself
from treating your own humanity
and the humanity of others with anything
less than the greatest respect?

Aren’t you worth it?

Realigning wobblebottoms

Homily Preached at Eltham College Chapel on 26th and 27th of Febrary 2007

So what have you given up for Lent?

Sweets?
Chocolate?
Rollerblading?
Homework?

"Please Sir, I haven't done my homework
because I've given it up for Lent."

"Hmm, that's interesting Eric, because, for Lent,
I've given up not putting people into detention
for failing to do their homework."

Perhaps you're like many people and find Lent rather passes you by.

You don't give up anything for Lent,
yet you still enjoy the overdone and rather greasy pancakes
that slop onto your plate on Shrove Tuesday.

Others of you may like the discipline
of giving something up,
something which, perhaps, you've been too fond of doing,
such as eating too much,
or playing too much
on the Nintendo DS,
and Lent seems the perfect opportunity
to make a step towards becoming healthier in body and/or mind.

Sometimes giving up something for Lent seems more trouble than its worth.

It would not be advisable to insist that a confirmed carnivore give up meat for Lent.

That could result in less physical health, namely a spell in A&E for anyone who suggests it.

Like New Years' Resolutions,
we give up giving up for Lent after two weeks
when the withdrawal symptoms kick in
- the shakes,
the sweats,
depression,
sleeplessness,
and listlessness during the day.

It seems going without a chocolate hob-nob
is too much for some of us to bear.

So why give anything up in the first place?

Why not carry on life as usual
without all this abstinence?

After all,
we have all these wonderful things around us,
why not use them
and enjoy them all year round?

[PAUSE]

We have only to look at
the environment around us
to see the effects of this attitude.

Our constant demands
for what we want
are damaging this planet,
perhaps irreparably,
all for the sake of satisfying our wants
- not our needs,
our wants.




Our planet,
our society and our own selves
are put at risk
all because we refuse
to give up something that we enjoy
just to restore a balance.

It is a fact of life that,
in order to make a positive impact
on the world around us,
we need to make an effort.

Effort requires sacrifice
- you don't get something for nothing.

To win at rugby,
you cannot have a team of wobblebottoms
lumbering across the field
like a heard of soporific hippopotami.

You need trained athletes
who have given up sitting on their backsides
playing Grand Theft Auto
to bring themselves to a peak condition.

The school captain would not have been picked
for the rugby team if simply walking onto the pitch
made him wheeze like a hyena with laryngitis.


To be a successful academic,
you need a mind that has often gone
without a good night's sleep to solve a problem
or gather information.

To be a great moral leader
like Archbishop Tutu,
or Pope Benedict,
you have to give up
thoughts about yourself
and what you need
in order to see the needs
of those around you.

To be successful at anything,
you cannot be a stranger to sacrifice.

"Giving up" and "sacrifice"
both involve restoring a balance,
whether that be environmental,
social or personal.

They are also seen as dirty words in our culture.

By sacrificing aspects of our way of life now,
we can go some way to restoring
the delicate balances of the environment.



But the act of sacrifice has to be
meaningful for the people we are.

Our drama teachers have made sacrifices
of time and patience,
to ensure that the latest production
went with a bang
- literally.

And one wonders how many cast members sacrificed their
eyebrows,
fingers and toes as a result.

Knowing what to give up for Lent
requires knowledge of what we need to balance.

For the Christian,
Lent is about trying to restore
the balance in our relationship with God.

We examine our lives
and strip away the spiritual fat
that has grown as a result of our selfishness.



It does hurt to sacrifice
- it wouldn't be sacrifice if it didn't hurt -
but the benefits of doing so
are incredibly rewarding.

So what’s stopping you from looking
at the way you live your life,
and thinking about the impact
you are personally having
on the world around?

Is there some imbalance
that needs to be re-dressed?

Are you man enough
(or woman enough)
to make a sacrifice this Lent?

How brightly shines the...what?

Homily preached at Eltham College Chapel on 8th and 9th January 2007

Pluto is no longer a planet.

It is still an irritating cartoon dog,
which I'm sure reassures you no end,
but it is no longer a planet.

How significant is this fact for you?

It means that the school will have to update
the astronomy posters along the Physics corridor.

But what of astrologers who daily contribute to papers
and influence the lives of many
who “sort of” believe in that method of fortune-telling.

After all, the declassification of Pluto as a planet
must surely affect astrology rather heavily, mustn't it?

If you accept Pluto as a planet,
then you have to accept Eris,
or the imaginatively named 2003 EL61
which are about the same size as Pluto.

But then with these all extra planets,
you’d see horoscopes such as:

Scorpio:
Eris enters your sign tonight bringing a minor upset
in your love life when you sit on your girlfriend's mobile.

or

Libra:
Beware, 2005 FY9,
the bringer of obstreperous poodles,
enters into conjunction with the Sun.

Stay away from any small curly-haired dogs for the rest of the week!

Astrology may seem a bit of a joke to many of us,
but there are people who live their lives,
plan for their futures,
make their big decisions,
even run countries
according to what Jonathan Cainer
writes in the newspaper.

Have you ever found a prediction
made in a horoscope that came true?

[PAUSE]

Horoscopes do occasionally predict something interesting.

We all know that Wise men from the East
came to visit the Baby Jesus in the manger
bringing various gifts.

Who are these wise men?

Well, we don't know for sure.

We don’t even know how many of them there were.

Nowhere in the Bible will you find reference to three wise men.

Well that’s ruined every nativity scene
and quite a few carols for you hasn’t it?

What we do know is that they were
astrologers from Media following a star to the stable.

In fact, the Star of Bethlehem
is not a bizarre astronomical occurrence,
not a comet,
nor some atmospheric disturbance
nor a Flying Saucer containing the daleks.

It is an astrological event
– a rare conjfiguration of planets and stars
which means something for these astrologers,
who promptly jump on their
Formula 1, 5 cylinder camels
and gallop West to the manger.

[PAUSE]

Christians remember the visit of the wise men
as the Feast of the Epiphany.

The word Epiphany means “making known”.

We already see how the Lord
is made known to the Astrologers,
but some years later He also makes Himself known
to Saint John the Baptist at Jesus’ Baptism,
an event that St John has been preparing all his life for.

St John has been preparing himself
by becoming who he believes God wants him to be.

When the Lord appears at the river Jordan,
St John is given concrete proof that Jesus is who He says He is.

The astrologers don’t get this proof.
They see a baby in a horse trough,
and then they return,
never to be seen or heard of again.


What the astrologers see only dimly
through their charts and calculations,
St John sees face to face because of his faith in God,
and not in obscure calculations.

What does this say about maths teachers?

Astrologers choose to live their lives
controlled by the way the planets move.

St John chooses to live his life by preparing himself carefully.

Astrologers choose to give up
control of their lives,
control of their destinies,
control of their countries
to the stars.

St John, relying on his faith in God, keeps control of his destiny.

Now, after 2000 years,
we remember the name of St John the Baptist.

Of the Astrologers we know little,
not even how many there were.

Many people think that having faith in God
means being controlled by a superstitious belief,
that our destinies are controlled by our faith.

That’s not what Christians believe.

While God has plans for each one of us,
they involve us being who we are,
in becoming the person we are meant to be,
and that we ourselves have a vital role to play in that process.

God does allow us to make our own decisions.

[PAUSE]

The majority of you will not know
what you want to do with your lives
when you leave Eltham College.

Indeed, most of the staff probably don’t know
what they want to do with their lives.

You will have to make big decisions
– which options to take,
which A levels to do,
which university to apply to,
what job you want to do.

So how will you make your decisions?

Will you put the responsibility
for making those decisions
onto someone else,
or something else,
like the Astrologers do,
and thus only see shadows of the person that you could become?

Will you take the responsibility
for these decisions upon yourself
by considering your choices carefully
and by finding out who you really are,
and so live your life to the full?

The choice is yours.
How will you live your life?

We wish you a measured Christmas

My second at school.

Homily preached at Eltham College on 3rd and 4th December 2006.

Presents given:
Catherine Tate DVD for Mum;
Duran Duran CD for Dad (not that he has a good taste in music);
Skateboard for Grandma,
Beyonce Knowles Calendar for Grandad,
Box of chocs for elder sister;
Doctor Who box set for younger brother.
Total expenditure £106.78.

Presents received:
New PS2 game from Mum;
Latest Gorillaz Album from Dad (told you he didn’t have any taste in music);
A day’s abseiling from Grandma;
Beyonce Knowles Calendar from Grandad;
£20 worth of mobile credits from elder sister;
DVD of Spiderman versus the Teletubbies from younger brother, (what planet is the boy on?)
Total income: £106.78

So what’s the point? How is this different from spending £106.78 on yourself at another time of the year? Wouldn’t it have been better just forgetting about Christmas and just finding something good for yourself for £106.78, after all, who wants Spiderman versus the Teletubbies DVD?

Why bother with all the hassle of traipsing round looking for appropriate presents to get the family?

It’s like birthdays. You can put a manky old £10 note in your brother’s birthday card to him, and, lo and behold, on your birthday there’s a manky old £10 note in your birthday card. Is it the same one? Well it might as well be.

So what is the point?

[PAUSE]

If we look at Christmas as a purely commercial holiday, then we lose something important. £106.78 in and £106.78 out, so on balance we break even. But how do we feel if we don’t break even? Guilty if we have spent less than them than they on us?
Upset because we have spent more on them than they on us?

Is it right to measure Christmas like this? Should we say that we’ve had a successful Christmas just because we’ve broken even with what we’ve bought and what we’ve been given?

[PAUSE]

Perhaps part of a successful Christmas comes in actually thinking about the people we’re buying presents for. We know that Grandad will be more than happy with his Beyonce Knowles calendar, but is there something else that might be more fitting?

The cliché says that it’s the thought that counts, but it’s more than just a thought. We can think about getting Dad a brand